Monday

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced the first blonde.
"Do what?" asked the other blonde. "Drive a truck?"
"No," said blonde one. "I'm going to send my lawn out to be mowed."

*****

A drunk was staggering down the street and stopped in front of a catholic church. He goes inside and wanders around until he finds the confessional and goes in and sits down. The priest is sitting on the other side waiting for the drunk to start his confession but the drunk says nothing so the priest clears his throat. Still the drunk remains silent so the priest knocks on the wall.
The drunk replies"Don't bother, there's no toilet paper over here either."

*****

A reporter was out on a ranch and decided she wanted to interview the cowboy she saw across the way.
"I would like to asked you about your clothing. Why the big hat?"
"Well," said the cowboy, "it keeps the sun and rain out out of my face."
"What about the snapped up shirt?" asked the reporter.
"Well," said the cowboy, "My fingers are sore from holding the rains to my horse, and these snap buttons are easier to do up."
"How about heavy denim pants?"
"Well," said the cowboy, "they hold up better in the brush and dirt."
"And leather chaps?"
"Well, they keep the heavy brush, thorns from my legs."
"This is fantastic. I just have one more question, why are you wearing tennis shoes?"
"Well," said the cowboy, "I don't want people think I was a truck driver."

*****

A man is stumbling totally drunk through the woods when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher is almost overcome by the smell of booze, so he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river.
He pulls him up and asks him, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't."
The preacher dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus!"
At this point the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk again, but holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in???!!!"

*****

A man sits down at a bar and orders a drink. After a while he hears a female voice say, “You’re very handsome.”
Looking around and not seeing anyone nearby, he decides he was hearing things. Again the voice says, “I really like that jacket you’re wearing” and, again, he can’t find the person talking.
After he hears, “Your hair style looks nice on you,” he motions to the bartender.
“I keep hearing a voice saying nice things about me,” the man says.
The bartender replies, “Oh, those are the peanuts … they’re complimentary.”

*****

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station. The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
One little boy looks at the sign and asks "That guy is the MOST WANTED in the whole USA?"
The Officer smiles and says, "Yes, we're still looking for him, but one of these days we'll catch him."
The Little Boy stops to think about this for a second and then asks, "Well, why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?"

*****

Mary was pregnant when she was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them.”
The woman thought to herself, "Oh no! Not my brother. He's a clueless idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, “Well, what's my daughter's name?”
“Denise.” said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like Denise."
Then she asked, “What's the boy's name?”
The doctor replied “Denephew.”

*****

The old man goes to answer a knock at the door one evening only to find two sherrif deputy's standing there.
"Sir, are you married?" One deputy asked.
"Why yes," the old man replied "for 48 years."
"Do you have a photograph of your wife sir?" the second deputy questioned.
The old man pulled a picture out his wallet and handed to the officers. They looked it over and handed it back to him.
"Sir, I'm sorry but it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck."
The old man says, "I know son, but she's got a wonderful personality and she's a great cook."