Halloween

Gotta recycle some Halloween funnies.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?  No.  They eat the fingers separately.

Why don't skeletons go out on the town?  Because they have no body to go out with.

What did one ghost say to the other ghost?  Do you believe in people?

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?  Dayscare centers.

What kind of mistakes to ghosts make?  boo boos

What kind of music to mummies listen to? Wrap.

What kind of beans to monsters eat? Human beans.

What do goblins drink when they are thirsty? Ghoul-ade.

What did one vampire say to the other vampire? You suck.

What is the national sport of Transylvania?  Drac racing

What is little girl witches' favorite bedtime story?  Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares

What is the first thing ghosts do when they get in the car?  Boo-kle their seatbelts.

What kind of streets do ghosts like? Dead ends.

What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.

What do Italian ghosts eat? Fettucini Al-fraid-0.

What's in a ghost's nose? Boooooogers.

What do you call an obnoxious pumpkin? A jerk-o-lantern.

How do you make a skeleton laugh? Tickle his funny bone.

Did you hear about the Egyptian monster that worked for the traffic safety department? He was a crash test mummy.

What goes "Oob, oob"? A dyslexic ghost.

What time is it when five monsters are chasing you? Five after one.

When do ghosts usually appear? Just before someone screams.

Why did Dracula quit the baseball team? They only let him be the bat boy.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frost bite.

Did you hear about the cannibal that got kicked out of school for buttering up his teacher?

How do you fix a broken jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

What does a skeleton sing while riding his motorcycle? "Bone to be Wild"

What do you call a monster with no neck? The Lost Neck Monster.

(For the nerds) What do you get when you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its radius? Pumpkin pi.

What goes "Ha, ha, ha, ha..." THUD? A monster laughing his head off.

********

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.

"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says: "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads: "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel.

Pour the jar of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Caramel Apple!"


*******

Little Johnny is dressed as a pirate for Halloween.

He knocks on a door of a house and a lady answers. She says, "Well, well little boy. What are you supposed to be?"

Little Johnny says, "I am a pirate."

The lady looks around and asks, "Where are your buccaneers?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "Under my buckin' hat."
********

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest stomach gurgle was another false alarm and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."


*******


A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP..." behind him.

Walking faster, he looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him... "BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP..."

The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces quickly after him ....... faster ... faster ... BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks the door behind him, however, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping... BUMP ... BUMP ... BUMP... on the heals of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door.

Coming slowly towards him, the man screaming, reaches for something, anything... all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin... and... of course... the coffin stops!


*******


Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up.

After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly.

The passenger screamed, "Look at he window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.

The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.

The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again!!" the passenger yelled.

He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"


********