Friday Funnies

I saw a billboard that read: "Need help? Call Jesus. 1-800-555-3787"

So out of curiosity I did. Twenty minutes later a Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

*****

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.

"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.

"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."

"I don't have a sweetheart, either."

"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

*****

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic cop shouted to me, "Hey, whats your disability?"

I said "Tourettes, you asshole!"

*****

I was at an ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

*****

A guy gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. As the cop is writing up the ticket, the guy asks, "Can you arrest me for calling you a filthy name?"

"Yes" replies the cop.

He then asks, "Can you arrest me for thinking something?"

"No" replies the cop.

"Well then," says the man, "I think you're an asshole!"